Dismantling the Myth of First Night Nookie.

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Dismantling the Myth of First Night Nookie.

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Guest Blogger Jackie Summers’ funny take on first night sex.

It was just after midnight and we were curled up on her sofa, making out like teenagers. The first date had gone unusually well; hours of scintillating conversation, intermingled with blatant sexual innuendo, had led to a cab outside her home. When I asked if she intended to ‘invite me up for coffee’, she rolled her eyes. ‘I know exactly what kind of “coffee” you want.’

‘I like my coffee like I like my women’ I replied. ‘Dark, and just slightly bitter. Like you.’

In the flickering candlelight of her tiny living room, hands, mouths and lips were moving in synchronous motion. She was astride me, her bra vanished, and I was flicking counter-clockwise circles with the tip of my tongue around her perfectly formed, eraser-tip nipples, when I deftly slid my fingers into her jeans and down the crack of her ass. She paused.

‘I don’t think we should, tonight’ she heaved. ‘After all, it’s only our first date.’

I cradled her face in my hands. ‘We don’t have to. You’re the woman; you have the right to say no at any time. But we are adults. We’re here. We’re worked up. What is accomplished by sending me home all hot and bothered? I’m going to walk out the door and one of two things is going to happen: either we’re both going to go masturbate alone, or you’re going to masturbate and I’m going to go make a phone call. It’s up to you.’

Several hours and broken pieces of furniture later, we both agreed we’d come, to the right conclusion.

I’m always amazed in this day and age when I encounter women who choose to postpone sex with a man they think has relationship potential, either because they think they won’t be taken seriously if they sleep with a man on the first date, or out of some antiquated notion that unless you make us work for it, we won’t appreciate it.

I’m here to call bullshit on both.

First off, men know that if we’re on a date, you’ve already considered if you would sleep with us, and the answer is yes. Women decide this in about fifteen seconds. That’s no guarantee that a woman will sleep with a man. One, two, five or ten dates; it doesn’t matter, the answer is still the same: you’ve already considered fucking me and the dating process is just a test to see if I’m going to say or do something so monumentally stupid, it makes you change your mind.

Once a man understands this, he’s free to actually get to know a woman as a human being and not just the Guardian at the Gates of the Temple Punani. There’s just no rush to jump in bed, it’s going to happen when it’s going to happen. Jack’s Ninth Rule of Dating applies here: Hands off, until. Never pressure a woman for sex or put your hands on her prematurely. If a man is Paying Attention (Jack’s Seventh Rule of Dating) he will know instinctively how to read her signs, and when (and how) to seal the deal.

This has no bearing on whether or not you will end up in a relationship. Unless you are the Trix rabbit, there is nothing magical about your pussy.

Magic is what happens before, during, and after sex. The last five women I fell in love with and got involved in long term relationships with, all slept with me on the first night. Did it make me think less of them? No. Sexual compatibility is a big issue and if you have hangups or inhibitions, I want to know right up front. Do I want you to make me work for it? Absolutely, but the real challenge isn’t getting a woman to open her legs, it’s getting a woman to open her heart.

Does this mean that every woman who spreads her legs on day one is going to end up in a relationship? Obviously not. Most fucking is just for fucking sake and does not lead to deep meaning, and honestly that’s fine. What it means is, people who end up in long term relationships have more going on than what’s happening between the sheets, and are willing to work at it.

There are (at least) two other major factors to consider: First, just because a woman sleeps with you does not mean she ever will again. Even a sizzling sexual performance does not guarantee you a repeat performance, much less a season pass. At any time for any reason, your pussy privileges can be revoked. The real work of being together starts after you’ve been intimate, not before.

Second I will testify as a man that, if we get up in there and it’s good, we want to wrap yellow hazard tape around your coochie and ward off all other solicitors. Lets face it, women have more options than men ever do, and once I know the NaNa is good, I don’t want you considering them. What I want is to lock that ass down for my damn self and stamp it: BELONG TO JACK.

Which from a woman’s perspective involves not just laying the smack down in bed; it means proving I’m more than just a good fuck. A woman might sleep with you once or twice out of curiosity, but after that, if you don’t give empirical evidence that you’re worth introducing to her friends, taking home to Mom, and being proud to call ‘her man,’ you’re probably going to get bounced to the curb.

In either case, it’s time to abandon the concept that women who enjoy sex are ‘easy.’ You can be tenacious and still be highly in tune with your sexuality.  Emotional openness is always harder to achieve.

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2017-04-08T18:18:14+00:00 January 19th, 2010|11 Comments

11 Comments

  1. Kal L. January 19, 2010 at 5:13 pm - Reply

    Really great stuff!!! I’ve been following Jackie Summers for a while now and I think he’s going to take the blogosphere by storm!

    He tells it like it is! Totally worth my attention and my attention!

  2. Renee January 19, 2010 at 11:26 pm - Reply

    You start off acting as though you are so pro woman and then you end reducing women to their genitals. And this “What I want is to lock that ass down for my damn self and stamp it: BELONG TO JACK” is particularly disgusting. No matter how long of a relationship you are in a womans body does not belong to you it will always belong to her. All you seem to want to do is to create women as a possession.

  3. Jeni Fujita January 19, 2010 at 11:36 pm - Reply

    GREAT BLOG. VERY well written. Obviously making people think.

  4. Jackie Summers January 20, 2010 at 1:52 am - Reply

    @ Renee: Just to be clear, I’m not pro-woman (or pro-man, for that matter). I’m ANTI-bullshit. Like a guy who’s hypocritical enough to sleep with you and then considering you promiscuous? See, that’s bullshit. That said, the desire to be in a committed monogamous relationship–aka “locking that ass down”–with someone who’s opened their heart and body isn’t specific to either gender. If you consider that ‘disgusting…’

    Well, methinks the lady doth protest too much ,-)

  5. moxieinthecity January 20, 2010 at 9:33 pm - Reply

    What is accomplished by sending me home all hot and bothered? I’m going to walk out the door and one of two things is going to happen: either we’re both going to go masturbate alone, or you’re going to masturbate and I’m going to go make a phone call. It’s up to you.’

    And that would be the point of the evening where I tell you to go fuck yourself. You basically coerced this woman into having sex with you by threatening to leave and have sex with someone else. Any woman who falls for this is not strong, empowered or confident. She’s having sex with a guy out of a fear of losing him.

    First off, men know that if we’re on a date, you’ve already considered if you would sleep with us, and the answer is yes. Women decide this in about fifteen seconds.

    Yes, we’re just that shallow and assume physical attraction means good sex. Sorry, Jack, bit many of us are far more discerning than that. And it has nothing to do with thinking we possess a Golden Vagina. It’s about whether or not we can connect with you on a level that ensures (makes it really, really possible) that the sex will be any good. In fact, most really good looking guys are average at best in bed because they don’t think they have to work for it. So we have to look closer.

  6. Jackie Summers January 20, 2010 at 11:12 pm - Reply

    @ Now Moxie, I have been known to convince, cajole and coax a woman, but coerce? I spoke honestly to her, and she chose not to judge me for it. This led to an incredibly passionate evening and many months of dating, and years later she is still a dear friend. This was not giving into fear, this was giving in to desire. Mind you, in the day and age of FBs and FWBs, had she chosen to dismiss me there was nothing stopping her from ‘making a phone call’ the second I walked out the door.

    Let’s turn it around. What if I had been the one to ask that we wait, and she intimated she preferred instant gratification. Should I have told her to ‘go fuck herself’ and stormed out? Would I have been weak to acquiesce? Connection and the desire for it goes both ways, and male or female attractiveness isn’t a guarantee of sexual chemistry. We do have to look closer, not just at prospective partners, but at ourselves and the preconceptions we bring.

  7. trouble January 21, 2010 at 4:54 pm - Reply

    I think the assumption is that there is no connection between the vagina and the heart. If I open my vagina to you, it’s going to start a complex chain reaction that involves my heart. I simply can’t have sex without getting attached. So, what that means, is that if I have sex too early in meeting someone new, I’m going to stop paying attention the way I should. I’m going to be attached way more than I should be attached after the first or second date. And, I’m going to get hurt.

    I have yet to figure out a way to close down my (rather tender) heart. So, for me, saying no to first date sex isn’t about worrying what you will think about me. It’s about giving me a chance to figure out who you are before I get too attached.

    That may be backwards to how it is done in the “big city,” but I know how my heart (and my vagina) work. I prefer to keep them both closed until I’m sure that you’re worth the risk. It’s not about rules, unless we’re talking about the rules that I’ve worked out for myself through hard experience.

    And, the mistake your date made was letting it get to the point that the conversation was even had on the first date. I don’t like to go there, it leads to much awkwardness on both parts.

    I’m going to assume that you’re seeing other people, and that by not having sex, there’s a chance that you’ll have easier access to someone else and that you won’t be willing to wait for me. I’ve already internalized and accepted that risk, so it doesn’t really pose a threat to me. Being intimate with you before I’m emotionally ready is a much bigger threat to my equilibrium than being rejected after a first date because i didn’t have sex.

  8. Jackie Summers January 21, 2010 at 5:51 pm - Reply

    Trouble I totally respect your perspective. For what it’s worth, the woman I married told me on our first date that she was a virgin, and if it got serious, she wanted to remain so until her wedding night. I waited, for five years.

    The problem with risk is, you never know if it’s worth it until AFTER you take it. The choice my date and I made may not have been right for you, but that doesn’t make it a mistake. Had she asked me to wait, I would have respected her choice and continued pursuit. The ability to be open mind/heart/body is a journey for all, and we all have to figure out what works best for us as individuals.

  9. jj January 29, 2010 at 7:02 pm - Reply

    Jackie,

    I loved this article.

    I am a woman and I agree with you 100%. Well, 99%. I think my nani is nirvana. lol
    But getting back to the article,
    I have felt this way for years and people get so caught up in wondering what someone will think of them.

    Thank you for helping to get rid of this silly 1st-date myth.

  10. Jackie Summers February 5, 2010 at 12:24 am - Reply

    JJ I’m so glad you enjoyed this. Mind you, I am not encouraging anyone to rush into a sexual relationship; for some people it takes longer than others to feel safe and secure. But any man who looks down on you for being sexual with him is a hypocrite, and unworthy of your time, affection, love and sex.

    best
    JFB

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