Gay Dating Tips
How To Date A Bisexual
You’re sitting on the couch with the man you’ve been dating for the past month, watching a prime time series about feuding menopausal witches.
Your beau is charming, he is enchanting, and he is seductive. He brings out the playful side of you. You take his hand and flirtatiously say to him, “Tell me something about you I don’t know.” He smiles and responds, “Well… I’m bi!”
ABRACADABRA! You learned something new! Your beau finds both genders bewitching… and now the mistresses of magic on the television are no longer entertaining because you have a plethora of questions that need to be answered:
Do you like boys more than girls or vice versa?
Can you be happy with just one? In other words, can you be monogamous?
Are you just not ready to say you’re gay?
Oh my God, are you going to want a girl in our threesome?
The night has gone from enchanting to wicked with the simple utter of two words “I’m bi.”
What happened? You’ve convinced yourself that your beau is a confused and promiscuous man who somehow tricked you into liking him.
What triggers this unsympathetic response to their orientation? Is it a lack of education? Is it a lack of understanding? Is it jealously? Or maybe even all of the above?
I asked someone who identifies as gay if he had negative feelings towards bi-sexual men and he said:
“I have not yet met a bi-sexual man who is actually “bi.” They are all gay. Gay men don’t generally like or hang out with bi men… How many gay men do you know who have bi friends? We don’t want to hear about it. We don’t want to go to a gay bar with you or Provincetown or places where you check out guys and then the following week you’re on a date with a girl. We don’t relate and don’t want to relate…I think bi-sexual men do get excluded from gay things. I think that is just a truth. I’m not saying it is right, I’m just saying I think it is true.”
What stuck out the most to me is “I have not yet met a bi-sexual man who is actually “bi.” They are all gay.” And it made me wonder… Do bi-sexual men keep their “straight” activities separate from their “gay circles?” If they do, maybe it’s a way to avoid conflict. I had to ask another friend of mine, but this one identifies as bi-sexual.”
“Early when coming out, I was told in no uncertain terms to not tell people I was bi. My friend told me that other guys may still sleep with me, but they would never consider dating me because they’d be afraid I’d cheat on them with a woman. At one dinner I attended with several others, I was speaking with a new acquaintance about her experiences of being bisexual and shared my own identity as such.
Two older gay men across the table started laughing at me and told me to get real, that I was really just gay. They proceeded to berate me throughout the dinner. I was so angry that I wanted to leave, but having someone else who identified as bisexual there was at least a small comfort. I refuse to identify as gay because it does not fit with my experience. I sometimes identify as queer because it deconstructs the binary.
However, queer and bisexual are both loaded terms it appears, so often I am without words to come out. It truly feels like a double-sided closet much of the time.”
A recent study showed that 15 percent of American adults outright disagreed that bisexuality was a real sexual orientation. Mackey Friedman, a researcher at the University of Pittsburgh Graduate School of Public Health and director of HIV prevention initiative Project Silk, says “Bisexual men and women face prejudice, stigma and discrimination from both heterosexual and homosexual people.”
So, how do you make it work with a bisexual man? First thing first, don’t refer to all the negative stereotypes you’ve heard about bi-sexual as the truth and nothing but the truth. Open dialogue and communication are important in any relationship and necessary questions shouldn’t vary based on sexual orientation. But be clear about what you’re asking.
For example, “Are you still attracted to women?” is different than “Are you only interested in serious relationships with men or women?” or “Would you leave me for a woman?” And never ask a question you really don’t want to know the answer to: “What feels better, sex with a man or sex with a woman?”
Don’t be overly alert to the potential wondering eye. Your bisexual beau is just as likely to check out a sexy woman as your gay beau would check out a hot guy. Bisexuals have a unique ability to be attracted to both genders for a variety of reasons.
It doesn’t make you lesser or even more in their eyes. You are you and they may be attracted to you. Do not attempt to accommodate what you are assuming is what they are attracted to.
No matter what the orientation of the individuals in the relationship, it’s paramount that you and your beau be honest and compassionate friends. If you can’t even be friends with someone based on their orientation then the source of the problem is you.
If your beau is charming, enchanting, and seductive then be proud of the magical son-of-bitch! Introduce them to friends and show them the respect you would anyone else who cast a spell over you. Other people may not approve of your relationship (Like Tea Party Members and closed-minded gays), but so what? Don’t let their doctrine dictate your devotion.
So, you’re sitting on the couch with the man you’ve been dating for the past month, watching a prime time series about feuding menopausal witches. You take his hand and flirtatiously say to him, “Tell me something about you I don’t know.” He smiles and responds, “Well… I’m bi!”
Try to conjure up a more magical response.