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Problem #1 With Topping A Guy
The biggest obstacle that prevents men from inserting their prized possession on those they find attractive is the fear that they’re going to have a Third Encounter With The Brown Kind. Seeing and smelling your own shit can leave you a little nauseous so it stands to reason than seeing or smelling someone else’s is going to be even worse. Walking into an unclean public restroom is enough to give even raging tops a moment of pause about where they’re putting their penises.
This can be further exacerbated if you’re a clean freak or have bouts with germ phobia. Let’s be clear and not dance around the subject: You are sticking your penis into a cavity whose primary function is to eliminate feces from the body. This is not a comforting thought for most of us. So how do experienced tops get over it? What do they do? How do they think? Is there a recognized strategy for overcoming the fear and revulsion that topping might expose you to undesirable sights and smells?
Yes. Let’s take them one by one. They’re actually related to each other. Like ropes hanging in the jungle, you can mentally swing from one to the other to get to your destination faster.
Put It In Perspective. His Anus Ain’t Heinous.
Nobody but a drunk newbie is going to bottom without being reasonably clean down there, so the chances that you’re going to encounter some kind of shit bomb is highly unlikely if next to impossible (mostly because the anal canal doesn’t store feces). That leaves the reality of an occasionally unpleasant whiff and the possibility of a small stain. Now you can FREAK OUT or you can react calmly by thinking something like, “Yup, I recognize that smell. It’ll go away pretty quickly” and keep about your business.
Keep Your Eye On The Doughnut And Not On The Hole.
Where do you want to put your attention—on the possibility of experiencing uncleanliness or the certainty of volcanic pleasure? Where you decide to put your psychic energy has consequences. You can concentrate on the anticipation of an off-putting smell or sight or you can concentrate on how good something is going to feel. One is going to kill your boner; the other is going to strengthen it. Concentrate your attention on his anus as a penis pleasurer, the route to fantastic sensations and psychological thrills. These rewards make the negatives of a whiff or a sight pale in comparison. It’s like comparing a small and temporary ‘yuck’ reaction to a huge and long-lasting pleasure.
How To Be A Better Top
Pain, or the fear of pain, is probably the biggest reason your potential partners shy away from bottoming. Consequently, “pain management” is going to be your biggest challenge as a top, especially if you’re bigger than average. You’re going to have to learn how to help your partner relax or the only thing you’re going to top is a pot.
In this chapter I’m going to show you specific techniques that will allow your partner to experience the ecstasy of bottoming without any of the pain he’s come to fear or associate with it. Let’s start by getting into the right mental space.
How “Anticipatory Pain” Can Make Your Butt Tighter Than Two Coats Of Paint.
“Anticipatory pain” is a psychological term for the expectation of pain. It speaks to the emotional and physical consequences of this expectation. For example, if your partner is convinced that bottoming for you will be painful, his body will tense up in the expectation of it. The more he believes that bottoming will hurt, the tenser his body will get. His butt will clench for its safety as hard as it can. This expectation of pain contributes greatly to an inability to relax. If he’s convinced that bottoming for you is going to hurt like hell, how in God’s pajamas is he going to be relaxed enough to enjoy it? Imagine telling someone, “This is going to hurt worse than a motor-powered root canal, so just relax.” Right. That’s helpful.
But wait, your partner says! He’s heard horror stories from friends and hell, it hurts even when you stick your pinky up there—how could a penis NOT hurt going in? Here’s how: Because the entire anus, from the sphincter to the anal canal to the rectum, is made up of incredibly supple, flexible muscle and tissue that, with the right conditioning, can stretch and expand way beyond its current size without causing harm or pain. To get a sense of the flexibility in your puborectal region, know this: During rectal surgery your anus can be safely stretched to the point that the surgeon’s hand can easily pass through the anal canal.
Let’s just hope the surgeon doesn’t get an attack of jazz hands during the procedure.
With the right conditioning anal muscles can relax enough to easily accommodate a penis without any pain whatsoever. You see the evidence of this on your computer’s hard drive or your Internet browser–where you store, bookmark and view your favorite porn. If you learn anything from porn (other than you like way too much of it!) it’s this: With the right approach, you can painlessly take in guys who are hung like the Florida panhandle.
Okay, so how do you get your partner to relax? Let’s start with something that might surprise you.
You Have Two Sphincters.
You may only have one anus but two connecting sphincters surround it. They are distinct but overlapping bands of muscle tissue. And while they serve the exact same function (regulating grand openings and final close-outs) they go about it in different ways. You are most familiar with the external sphincter because you can order it to tighten and release. Here, try it. Squinch your starfish by using the muscles to stop yourself from peeing. Got it? Tighten, release, tighten, release. Now, this time with feeling! Tighten, release. Now do five fast tightens. Get it? You can boss that part of your butt around. Feel like taking a crap but there’s no bathroom around? No problem. You can will your external sphincter not to open. At least for a while.
But the internal sphincter? You can’t tell it to do shit. And I mean that in every sense of the word. You are not its boss. Like your blood pressure and heartbeat, you cannot directly control it.
Do this: Put your hands in front of you as if you’re praying. Now intertwine your fingers down to the webbing and press your palms together as tight as you can. Now keep everything connected and completely relax both hands. Notice the small opening between the side of your thumb and your index finger? This is the opening to your anus. If somebody tried to poke their finger through that opening it would feel snug but it’d go in pretty easy.
Now tighten both hands as hard as you can. The left hand is the internal sphincter you cannot directly control. The right hand is the external sphincter you can. Keeping the left hand tight as a drum, completely relax your right hand. Your right hand (external sphincter) is relaxed so a slight opening was created. But your left hand (internal sphincter) is so tight that it won’t let a poking finger through very easily.
Welcome to bottoming’s first dilemma: The left hand doesn’t know what the right hand is doing. Or more accurately, the left hand doesn’t care what the right hand is doing. The internal and external sphincter can and often do work independently of each other. In order to make penetration smooth and effortless both sphincters have to get on the same page. How do you do that?
The Gay Top: Positioning Strategies
When I talk about the best position and angle of entry I don’t mean the best for you. I mean best for your partner. That’s because the most delicate time during intercourse is initial penetration. If you don’t find a position that will eliminate the pain or at least significantly decrease it to a tolerable level, the only bottom you’re going to see is the ass-end of a liquor bottle.
So the initial penetration is all about him, not you. In fact, I want to introduce you to a very Zen concept—in order to be in charge, you have to relinquish control. In bed, that means the bottom, the submissive guy, is in control (at least initially). Here’s why: pain-free bottoming requires the bottom partner to find the best position to straighten out his S curve, estimate the best angle of entry and control the pace of it. How is he going to do that if you take control?
The only way he’s going to avoid pain and experience pleasure is to control the way your penis goes in and out of you. And in and out. And did I mention in and out? I know that relinquishing control might seem a bit of an irony—isn’t bottoming about surrendering yourself to another man? How can you surrender when you’re in control? Isn’t that an oxymoron, like “jumbo shrimp” or “pretty ugly?” Not to get all Zen up on your grill, but “controlling your surrender” is one of those contradictions that defy explanation. It cannot be explained but it can be experienced, as you’re about to find out.
Once your partner has enough experience with bottoming, he can begin to loosen the controls and be “taken” in a way that adds to the blissful experience of surrender, but for now, know this: The top is never in charge. Listen to one famous porn star top:
“In my personal experience it’s best for the bottom to take charge. I usually penetrate them only with the head of my dick and have them hold onto my leg or hip and they would be the one to pull me more inside and a little bit more. If I’m too deep, pull me out. I work at their pace.”
For once, I can tell you unequivocally, LISTEN TO PORN STARS. If your partner wants to experience pain-free bottoming he has to take control. And the best way to do that is to review our understanding of the puborectal sling.
Sling Forth & Multiply.
Remember, everyone has a puborectal “sling” that surrounds the rectum and pulls it forward toward the navel causing it to have an S shape. Your rectum is not vertically shaped. It’s shaped more like an s-hook.
This is important to know because an object entering the rectum at the wrong angle runs into the rectal wall of the first part of the S curve. And that will make you feel like a bat is beating your insides. Let’s repeat our previous experiment but this time with a twist: hold your left hand up as if you’re shaking hands. This is your rectal wall. Now take your right index finger and poke the middle of the palm at ninety degrees. This is the penis stabbing the rectal wall. Watch it, that hurts! Now, angle your palm (to the left) to 45 degrees and poke again. Better, but it still hurts, right? Now, raise your right finger up by a few degrees and poke. Ahh, feels nice, right? Notice the finger slides up the “rectal wall” rather than poking and jabbing at it. You are not stabbing the rectal wall because you “straightened out the S curve” (your palm) and adjusted the penis’ angle of entry (your index finger).
You’ve just learned two important lessons about topping: Straightening the S curve and adjusting the angle of the penis’ entry will eliminate all your partner’s pain. Now, how do you adjust his S curve and what angle should you guide the penis toward? Let’s investigate.
How To Top: The Pleasure Principle
My mom always said, “You’ve got to preheat the oven before you stick in the turkey.” What a wise woman, my mom. You need to listen to her. While some guys who bottom like the “grab it and growl” school of packing, forcing and stuffing, they are in the extreme minority. You are much better off gradually working your way to full penetration and then gradually speeding it up.
Here’s why going slow is so important: It creates a sense of safety, both from an emotional and physical standpoint. In order for the tissues, muscles, s-sling and sphincters in the puborectal area to relax and become aroused they need to feel safe. The faster and more forceful you go the more your partner’s body is going to clench down. Slow, careful movements will support a sense of safety for him and set the stage for deeper levels of arousal.
Never Thrust The First Few Moments Of Penetration.
Once you’re in you’ve got to give your partner’s body time to adjust. The anal canal is extremely adaptable–it can expand enough to accommodate the size and width of an erect penis, but this can only happen slowly. Did I say slowly? Because I meant S-L-O-W-L-Y. If you start thrusting right away you’re going to seriously hurt your partner and create a whole lot of mistrust that might shut the whole scene down.
Once you’re in, FREEZE. Stay exactly where you are. Enjoy the tight, wet sensation as his body acclimatizes to its new expansion. Now is the time to kiss him (if you haven’t already been) and do a body language check. Is he writhing in pain? Breathing fast? Squinching his eyes as if he were just impaled by a fence post? Or does he seem like he’s got some discomfort but ready to move forward? Once you top a lot you can sense what he needs simply by observing his reactions. But it never hurts to simply ask, “How are you doing?” Believe me, he’ll tell you.
If you’ve entered him correctly—amped up his pre-penetration desire so that he’s more receptive to your hard penis and used the sphincter muscle failure technique so that you penetrated him when his sphincter was at its most relaxed—he should be at different levels of discomfort, but no real pain.
Understanding the difference between pain and discomfort can help avoid injury and develop a peak sexual experience. Pain is searing and sharp. Discomfort is more of a dull pressure. Pain is a signal that something is wrong. Discomfort is a signal that you’re feeling something unfamiliar. Pain is something to avoid; discomfort is something to accept. Why? Because once you get used to discomfort it goes away and gets replaced with pleasure. Not so with pain. Enduring discomfort will open up new sexual vistas. Enduring pain will open up new rooms at the ER.
If he’s in pain ask him if he wants you to pull out. If he’s not, ask him if you can thrust slowly. Or simply do it without asking but only after sensing he’s okay. Let’s talk about asking your partner questions for a moment. There is a thin line between showing concern and showing insecurities. If you don’t ask enough questions it’ll look like you don’t care about him, but if you ask too many you’ll come across as too solicitous, insecure and in some ways overbearing. That’s why it’s important to sense what is going on with him and act accordingly. If you see somebody who’s hot and sweaty do you really need to ask him if he wants a glass of water? Why don’t you simply hand one to him?
Sex is about sensing and responding; it’s not about verbally checking in every 5 minutes. At any rate, let’s assume that he’s not in pain and he’s ready for you to start moving in and out of him. What’s next?
Let’s Talk About Thrusts.
How To Be A Better Top
Unfortunately, there are several things about topping that can turn Willie into Will Not. They range from performance anxiety to a dislike of condoms to simple fatigue (topping is a lot of work and if you’re not in shape it will have an effect on your erection).
The simplest and most effective way of getting and staying hard is to concentrate on what turns you on. With everything that goes on during intercourse that can sometimes be more challenging than it appears. It’s easy to get distracted by internal thoughts that don’t serve you.
For instance, you may be worried about his hygiene, or where you put the lube, or whether you should use a condom. Or whether or not you can stay hard with a condom given that last week you didn’t. You can also be distracted by your insecurities. Is your penis long enough? Is it wide enough? Can he see your protruding belly from this angle? Is he going to judge if you don’t do it right?
There are lots of thoughts they can soften your hardest intentions but they will have no effect if you simply remember the golden rule of hard-ons: Concentrate and act on the things that turn you on.
What does that mean? Visually and physically cultivating your personal brand of desire. This is harder than it may appear. Many people don’t know what they want. Some are so fearful of expressing sexual desire their subconscious blocks them from conscious awareness. For example, if you come from a culture with strong codes about what males are expected to do (topping) then you’re probably going to have a hard time admitting you want to bottom.
And even when you do know what you want—and have no hang-ups about it—you often don’t communicate it. And when you do, there is often a lack of specificity. Let’s say you love getting head. There are two levels of communication you should be engaged in: 1) Telling your partner what you want and 2) Telling your partner how you want it. Some people do a good job of #1 but suck at #2.
Part of the hesitation of making a highly specific request (“I really like it when you look up at me as you give me head”) may be a lack of understanding of what makes you feel good. And part of it may be that you’re too shy or afraid he’ll react negatively. Either way, it’s easy to remain at a lower level of horniness (and hardness) because you do not know or are too hesitant to communicate what turns you on.
Erections Love Communication.
What’s the answer?
Gay Top: The Big Worry
Overheard in the locker-room:
“Would you wear shoes if you had no feet?”
“Then why are you wearing underwear?”
Gay men are far more obsessed with penis size than straight women are, even though both are sexually turned on by male genitalia. In most surveys women don’t even rank it in the top five. So if it generally doesn’t matter to women, why does it matter so much to gay men?
First, because we have a bigger is better mentality. I call it Male Math: Size + Size= Status on Stilts. That’s why men love bigger cars, bigger biceps, bigger guns, bigger wallets, bigger everything.
Second, gay men watch a lot of porn, where every penis is a kidney-wiping, liver-lifting jabber. So they have a completely unrealistic view of what a “normal” sized erect penis looks like.
Penile size can be measured in a lot of ways. Obviously, the differences will impact the results. There are two widely recognized ways of measuring your one true thing. The most common is the “You Wish” method popularized by gay dating and hookup apps. It involves looking at your pinky and seeing a thigh.
I’ll talk about the second way in a second. First, the bad news: the average penis size is not six inches. The “six inch myth” got started when Kinsey did his landmark penis size study back in the 50’s. Although there were 2,000 men in his study, it had a fatal flaw—the results were self-reported. Men were asked to go into a room, get themselves hard and measure themselves. Now tell me, would you believe anything coming out of a man’s mouth while he’s holding his dick?
Men always lie about size. Why do you think we came up with maps that associate an inch with a mile? Realizing that too many men were backdating their stock options, urologists developed a new way of measuring the size of the prize: A third party. So, now every legitimate penis study includes medical staff doing the measuring and reporting. And guess what happened? The average erect penis size shrank from Kinsey’ 6.2 inches to…